Moving Forward

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Week 7 back to school…I think I’m struggling. I only think be cause I’m barely paying attention (perfect example, I’m currently sitting in class “listening” to a lecture.) Whereas before my focus was to be top of the class and on the deans list, now my focus is to simply pass. It urks me because I do have such a high standard for myself but dammit I can only do so much as a new mother. How I still have 2 A’s and 2 B’s (when I last checked it a week or so ago) is beyond me, but I’ll take it! Along with the occasional short doze session because on the one day I have to be at school ALL day, little man wants to wake up no later than 6am. So this day will be exceptionally long.

Ssoooooo anyone want to do all my homework FOR me?

I started this yesterday. But then I fell asleep (yes in class as I wrote a blog when I should have been taking notes) and pretty much lost my train of thought. But seriously, who wants to do my homework for me? I did have another purpose initially for this blog. What that purpose was probably wouldn’t have even made sense since I was only going off fumes anyways.

But now, whatever that direction was, we are now taking another turn. Or maybe we’re staying in the same direction and just forgot. We’ll never know.

In exactly one week I will finally be visiting with my very best friend, Mrs. Tequila! As I count down the days I decide to make an appointment with my psychologist before heading out, just to touch base with her and share a few things and get an outside persons opinion who has professional experience. There are a variety of things I hope to share with her: DC’s father’s sudden desire to be involved after two months of nothing, a few new people in our lives who I now consider dear friends, and mostly my desire to have the company of a man but yet my fear that holds me back.

After everything that has happened in the year leading up to my pregnancy, it’s no surprise that I find it difficult to trust a man. I had cases of poor judgment and a few of just down right betrayal, one right after another.
-Boyfriend of 6 years had cheated on me.
-Started dating again and when that didn’t work out, that boyfriend was hell bent on destroying my career.
-A close friend committed the ultimate betrayal a man could ever do to a woman.
-And to try to gain control back over my life I allowed myself to become involved with a convicted felon who deliberately knocks up women to make them stay then when they don’t, is off with another woman ignoring his child until he grows bored and lonely.

Naturally, for the last year my focus has been on DC. I haven’t dated or sought out for the company of a man. After losing the friendship and support of Mr. Love just before DC’s birth I’ve been even more hesitant to so much as make acquaintances with the opposite sex, or anyone for that matter. This is what bothers me more than anything. There are only two people I really talk to and share my everyday life with. BCB is one and also family, cousin to be exact, while the other is Mrs. Tequila. Sometimes I think it would be nice to actually hold a conversation with a man. Maybe even one that likes me? But then I find myself retreating back into my shell. I think I had a guy hitting on me while I was working on valentines day but the second I mentioned my son he was out. Which I was absolutely ok with. I never liked the idea of someone showing interest just because it is v-day. Comes off pathetic, ya know?

But when an old classmate found me on Facebook and a few days later messages me to say hi and just chat, I found myself in an weird situation. I can’t say if I like him or not, we haven’t been in touch since high school maybe even longer but I know I’d like to talk to him more to find out. I found myself to be awkward when we spoke, whether or not he noticed is a different story. I just wanted to scream at him, “I’m sorry! I’m horrible with men! BE MY FRIEND!!!” Then just start pouring my story out to him and overwhelm him with things he probably doesn’t care about in the least bit, but I controlled myself. On the other hand I wanted him to stop talking to me so I wouldn’t have to feel my discomfort and wonder, “are you talking to me cause you’re bored or do you like me and I’m just oblivious, again!” (I’m so oblivious to those types of things usually until it’s too late. It’s like when a guy mistakes a girls friendliness for flirting, I mistake a guys flirting for friendliness.)

So many different feelings collide these days when it comes to men, that it is difficult to stay on one track.

I want to have the support and friendship of a man but at the same time there is no trust. As it stands, a requirement for dating is a background check. Is that a little much? They could always give a fake social and that’s if they give it at all. We can forget a relationship with a guy altogether for now because aside from the need to have full criminal history disclosure the thought of anything that goes into a relationship pushes me close to an anxiety attack. Simply thinking about trusting another guy makes my heart race, I get shortness of breath, and makes me want to cry hysterically. Surely none of this is normal, right? Not to mention, any thought of being in a sexual relationship with someone nearly causes a nauseating reaction. At first I just thought it was because I was pregnant and always felt sick but this reaction to any thought of sex still continues. All of this makes me feel like I’m damaged goods. I just want to be able to talk to this guy again. That’s all I want. To make another friend, one of the opposite sex, without fear or restriction. I can’t tell you how many times I open up our conversation in hopes that maybe he’s sent a message or to send him a message and freeze up. And again, not because I really like this guy or am totally in love but because this is 100% outside of the comfort zone I worked so hard to create over the last year to allow myself to feel safe again. It absolutely terrifies me. I fight the urge to cry as I write this, it scares me that much. Because at this time exactly one year ago, I was isolating myself from those I loved and loved me and dived head first into a world of drugs and alcohol so I could forget. It would be another month still before the most sobering moment of my life.

I know I cannot continue to isolate myself. But that is easier. Keep our world small with family and friends that have been around for at least 8 years. And of course the grocery store, can’t forget the grocery store. In doing so, however, I find myself growing bored. No, lonely is the word. I don’t want a relationship or to fall in love but I want a strong, independent mans support and encouragement and confidante. So why can’t I simply open that message and type something? Why is it so hard? Am I still not ready? If I’m not ready then why the hell do I have such a desire for this male companionship? Or is it the opposite? I’m ready and just scared that the readiness has finally arrived? And what is up with the weird dreams? That will be my next blog. Stay tuned! :)

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