Alone and Pregnant and Then Some…

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For those who have not gone through pregnancy, don’t let anyone fool you. It is terrifying. Mind you, it gets less terrifying as time goes by and you get used to your body blowing up, emotions going hay wire, crying over nothing every 20 seconds, and eating everything. Literally, everything; I nearly ate my family out of house and home, thank goodness for WIC and food stamps. However, what many women, who have had children, will conveniently forget to tell you, an unsuspecting potential victim uh I mean mother, is once the sense of impending doom ebbs away it is replaced by pain. Pregnancy is not a day at the beach, unless it’s one of those days you lose your flip flops in the ocean, forget your sunblock, high tide floods your car, but that’s besides the point and venturing off topic. To put it simply, labor is not the only uncomfortable moment you will go through during this nine month (lies! ten month) creation of a miracle. (Or whatever you may desire to call it, no judgment here.) Just know that, behind every pregnant smile is a woman cringing and crying from the growing pain and discomfort her “little angel” is putting her through.

For those women who are pregnant with their first child and has gone about it unplanned: The first trimester is HELL! Do not be too hard on yourself about how you feel. You are not the only person to feel the way you do and it does not make you a terrible person. It WILL pass, I promise. (There are a few exceptions to the rule but you’re hormonal and irrational and going through that trivial detail will not help how you feel.) I had to take it one day at a time, while constantly reminding myself I could not have that delicious beer due to the parasite, I mean heavenly blessing, while promising to quit smoking “after this pack.” But that is all you can do, take it one day at a time, reminding yourself that these feelings are just that: feelings. And they will eventually end. You just have to make it to the second trimester, then things will even out a little bit. If what you feel becomes too intense though you should tell your doctor. There is a thing called pre-partum depression. Basically, you’re depressed about being pregnant and having a difficult time accepting the life change. But DO NOT feel like you are the only one and do not let anyone make you feel guilty about your misgivings about pregnancy. If you feel like you have to cry (which you will) then don’t fight it. I doubt you’ll be able to anyways, you’ll feel better once it’s all out. One last piece of advice, find someone that can support you during your ups and downs of pregnancy: a friend, a family member, boyfriend, fiancé, pastor, someone! Which leads to my next point:

Just because we are single does not mean we have to be alone. Although regardless there are moments you feel utterly alone. As though there is not another single human being who is like you, single and pregnant. We know that isn’t a rational thought but pregnancy isn’t rational. I do not know where I would be without MLC, SAS, and the rest of my family. They have put up with so much from me, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay them. I love them all with everything in my heart and don’t tell them enough how much I appreciate them. I have cried to them, yelled at them, cussed them out, and in the same sentence complimented them while demanding cravings be satisfied. And not a single one of them flinched or batted an eye (few have wanted to strangle me, I’ll admit, but kudos to them for hiding it EXTREMELY well). I cannot say if I would’ve done the same if the tables were turned. I’d like to think I would but you never know how you’ll handle a situation unless you’re already in it. Plus, I just don’t handle emotions well at all. Someone cries to me and I awkwardly pat them on the head while looking around for someone to pawn them off on and when there is no one I tell them to shut up or I’ll smack them. But I digress.

So to my family: I love you. You have all been my rock and have helped me emotionally, mentally, and financially. Even if I didn’t feel like I deserved it. And helped me realize that I do not NEED the father, ALW, in the picture. I would like him involved but you can’t make a zebra grow spots. You all have also helped me accept that because he isn’t in the picture does not reflect on my parenting. That, if nothing else, to look at it in that it will make me stronger which in turn will make him stronger.

My cousins’: one who has provided me with endless advice and practice by allowing me to use her children as guinea pigs (some of you fellow bloggers, may be familiar with these little dolls, baby O and baby L). My other cousin, who had helped me during the rough patches of the first trimester by going out with me to get my mind off the depressing feelings that would overwhelm me or when I don’t feel depressed, just being there and being my friend. I love you both.

My parents: you are the best set of parents anyone could ever ask for. After all, they were the ones who had to deal with me and my three months of crying on a daily basis and I thought I did so well to keep it quiet. Apparently not…oops. You two are angels among men (and women) and my child is lucky to have you two as grandparents.

ALW: without your contribution I would not have my son.

SAS: you’ve been my best friend for going on eight years now. (Wow time flies.) And luckily you already have three kids of your own so you were less bitter than my other “friends” that I was pregnant and you weren’t, not to name name’s. But you know who I’m talking about. Even though you’re far away you have not allowed distance to stop you being involved in my pregnancy and being a shoulder for me to cry on. You still need to get Skype, woman! Chop chop! Love and miss you. My son is very lucky to have you as his aunt.

MLC: I don’t know how I can ever thank you. I can’t comprehend how you must feel most days. I can say though, that you are more man than anyone I know. Although you live further away than anyone in my support system I’d have to say I probably put you through more shit than anyone else. You’ll have to excuse my language but when hormones and irrationality comes into play it is exactly that, shit! No one can attest to that more than MLC and I believe he’ll agree with me. He listened to my irrational fears, my legit fears, my endless rants about nothing important and about nothing in general. He even let me cry to him when I was sad about being pregnant while people were dying, convinced it was my fault they were dying. How else will the world make room for him? And it was my fault. Those kind of things sound silly to normal people, but to us, crazies, that’s just logic. You, MLC, have helped keep me sane more so than anyone else in my circle. You have lifted me up when I couldn’t find up. You have been unwavering. My unsinkable ship, my unbendable steel, my “Bigger, Faster, Meaner, Stronger.” 😉 I don’t want to think where I would be with out you. You have not taken a single moment to judge me throughout my whole pregnancy, especially during the roller coaster of the first trimester and the unbelievable choices that sat in front of my eyes. You never pushed your opinion or beliefs on me. But supported me and sat ready to support me in whatever I decided to choose. No one will ever compare and I love you.

Now, I believe I’ve said everything I’ve wanted to say this evening. Even if I didn’t, the baby isn’t ok with me sitting up any longer. He’s trying to escape the belly again while making my back hurt and I think my butt is falling asleep.

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