There are so many things and so few words to describe them. Maybe it’s just me, perhaps I need to further expand on my vocabulary or maybe it’s just part of the third trimester.
It is hard to say exactly how I feel lately. I love my son, I mean LOVE him! But I would be a liar if I said I don’t still think about the life I had before him and where I would be at now if things turned out differently. I guess this would be the apprehension that comes with the closing of a pregnancy. In all honesty though I do have my son to thank for making me clean up my life, take myself seriously, and grow up. He even helped me fish out the fake friends that were infused in my life. He also helped me form a stronger bond with my family but everything is different now and it scares me. It scares me so much! I have to continuously remind myself that I am not on my own. Yes, I am a single mother but I have the help of my parents and the support of my other family members. But this isn’t how this was suppose to go. I wasn’t suppose to have children in my mid-twenties or be on my own doing so while I’m still in school. I wasn’t suppose to be working at a joke of a place making minimum wage barely even working part-time, if you want to call one day a week part-time. I was suppose to travel around the world learning different cuisines expanding my knowledge in business. I cannot help but feel that I need to put myself in a different field than the food business and do something more practical. Mr. Love tells me, “but it’s what you love to do.” But it is a business that requires you to work full-time all the time in order to be successful and unless you have already made a name for yourself it seems almost impossible to be able to focus on with a small child demanding as much of your attention as the company. Like motherhood, establishing yourself in the food industry, there are no days off. A “short” day, which rarely comes around but does more often than in motherhood, is a ten hour day AT the “office” but when you leave you’re still working. I’m afraid of failing my son. I don’t want to remain on government assistance. I hate, hate, hate that I’m on it now even though I have a legitimate need for it. How will I ever support us and get us on our own feet so we don’t have to lean on my parents? After all, he’s my son I need to care for and my responsibility, not theirs. And how do all the other single mothers manage it on their own? I can’t help but feel the only way I can really be successful in raising my son and supporting us is if I were to get married. And I HATE that! I have NEVER, EVER in my life depended on a man for anything! I rely on myself and me alone! That feeling is so defeating and so degrading. If I ever marry I want to do so because I’m in love and no other reason, period. But I have really, I mean really, poor taste in men and I can’t think about myself anymore. My days of selfishness flew out the window the day I collapsed in the bathroom after the first pregnancy test read positive. (I took three total hoping they were false positives.)
There are so many things I’m stressing over and I know I shouldn’t. I should be taking it easy, but how do you not worry as a parent? From what I’ve been told, that is an impossibility that I’ll never accomplish until the day I die and probably still fail to do so in death. Then, there’s Mr. Flip-flop. The name alone should say it all. I have come to expect nothing from him or of him but even when I do that he flops and does the opposite of what I do or don’t expect from him. In the beginning of the pregnancy I expected him to hold to his word and show up at every appointment support me as a friend and the mother of his child at the very least. Then when he didn’t, I stopped expecting him, especially when he stated he would no longer show up at ANY appointment but he even flipped on that THE VERY SAME WEEK! The hardest part out of everything is keeping my patience with him and the fact that for the first time in my official grown up life, I have to do things I do not want to do. In my old life, I did what the hell ever I pleased. In fact, that is what I was very well known for. Lil Gumdrop don’t do what she don’t want to. Now, though, I have to bite my tongue, quell my tears of sheer frustration, and silence my angry words of hatred. Otherwise, my own words could be used as weapons against me should Mr. Flip-flop actually put down the pipe long enough to save his money for the paternity test he requested and a lawyer. Chances are slim, but a chance is still a chance, right? There are a number of things I want to say and do and in reality I could, however, it would not be in my best interest to do so. Honestly, if I really thought about it, what satisfaction would I get out of it? Ultimately, none that I can see. I think, what I fear most from his father being involved is him being subjected to his unreliability and irresponsibility. I mean, the guy said, “You were the one that went out that night and got drunk, blackout sex happens, that’s not rape.” Okay, last I checked, drugged wasn’t drunk and if I can recall correctly, you cannot legally give consent when under any influence therefore defining it as rape! THAT is what my child could learn from him, THAT!!! Really!? Do any of you have any idea how hard it was not to fly off the handlebars at him and just flip the EFF out? I had to stop everything I was doing to go to the bathroom and break down, at work, yea I was at work! Just thinking about that day makes my blood boil. It nearly set me back with my therapy but I’m too stubborn. I told my therapist, “No, I do not want to push my appointment up. I will not let Mr. Flip-flop dictate my life.” But say he does claim my son, say he does clean himself up and gets visitation; how do I make sure my child isn’t brainwashed by this person? How do I assure my son’s future in being a well rounded man when he grows up? People say that it’s all in how you raise a child but what about that second environment you have absolutely no part in when he’s gone for the weekend and 6 weeks in the summer? I cannot control what he is exposed to and picks up when I’m not there. How do I know he won’t get my child stoned or drunk for goodness sakes or tell him no to having a sleepover with his girlfriend? And from what I know of, this guy can be pretty spiteful so how do I know he won’t do things simply out of pure spite? I pray he doesn’t expose our son in that way but if I’m being completely honest with all of you I cannot say I know him well enough to know if he would or wouldn’t.
There’s just too much! How do parents not rip out their hair and slam their head into a table, counter, and/or wall? How do you not end up in a straight jacket nearly comatose, rocking back and forth, repeating, “my baby, my baby, my baby, etc.?” Just how? How, to everything? Parenting books are bull shit! They don’t cover this. They only cover, “you and your spouse!” THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A WHORE, YOU ASSHOLES! It’s too soon. I want him out but it’s too soon. I’m too young for this. Those planning for parenthood, my cousin may disagree with me and suggest waiting slightly longer, but wait till you’re at least 30ish before starting a family. It’s too much.