A Light in a Very Dark Tunnel

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When you are unsure as to whether or not you should do something, as long as it is within reason, do it. What do you have to lose?

In my case, it wasn’t much. It did not change how anxious I was, however. But now that I have done it I feel a sense of relief I have not felt in quite sometime. I know I still have a long road ahead of me but as long as I can still find these air bubbles from time to time to catch my breath, I think I will be ok.

I took a risk today. I went out of my comfort zone and contacted the mother of Mr. Flip-flop’s first child who is not yet a year old. We’ll call her Ms. Mommy. Not very creative but I think it is fitting and Ms. Me is a little too egotistical. We have found we have a lot in common and we see a lot of ourselves in the other. Weird how things play out like that, huh? We even look similar. I won’t dare say we look like sisters, I do not think we look that similar but enough to say that Mr. Flip-flop certainly has a “type.” We’re the same height, roughly the same weight (pre-baby of course, she don’t have nothin’ on me now,) we have the same no nonsense personality, we are both strong, independent, and determined, and we both have the same good-for-nothing baby daddy. We are even very close in when we conceived, exactly 11 months apart, in fact, to the day and we are both getting screwed over and lied to beyond anything we ever imagined by this guy. I might have to change his name, hmm. Guess we’ll just see how this new change in the game rules changes the playing field.

Come on, you guys don’t seriously believe we TOLD him we are talking to each other do you? Noooo, y’all are smarter than that.

I am glad I took the risk that I did. I found someone who fully and truly understands how I feel and what I’m going through to the T. Although we haven’t officially met and have only spoken on the phone and on Facebook I feel I have found the friend I have yearned for and needed since day one of my life change. My shoulders do not feel so heavily weighed down upon (although my belly still does,) I don’t feel so utterly alone. The constant *BAM, SLAM, POW, BOOM* has momentarily subsided for the first time in….months.

I look back now and wonder what I was so nervous about and scared of. I think I was afraid that he did not tell her about me, that she was completely oblivious to Mr. Flip-flop’s ever growing family. I know if I were in her position I certainly would not want to find out from a stranger on a social network, no less. It’s so impersonal! Thankfully she knew though, not much, but she knew. But the story she was told was twisted entirely into a down right lie. In what he told her, I was:

  • Seven years younger (first time that’s happened to me, does this mean I’m officially “old?”)
  • Raped around the time I conceived and it was my own fault for letting it happen
  • But regardless he was going to be “daddy.” (I wonder if he would have made a better one if he thought it wasn’t his?)
  • Marrying Mr. Flip-flop
  • Going to be “mommy” to his first child (I vividly remember telling him the day before my pregnancy test, “I do NOT want kids. I have too much to do still before I stop being selfish.”)

“WHOA!!!!” was my response upon hearing the last two. I, initially, didn’t even want the baby I had, what made him think I wanted one that wasn’t mine? No offense to you, Ms. Mommy, I’m sure your little one is an angel. These weren’t even HALF of the lies he told, either to me or to her.

I always knew he was bad news but a part of me wondered sometimes, “Am I being too hard? Am I just being stubborn?” I guess when it comes to your children and the people you allow into their lives to influence them, the answer to that is no. But she was able to paint a clearer picture for me and assure me that, no, it wasn’t just me, it wasn’t all in my head, or me overreacting as others who did not know him have suggested. She has a first hand experience few can say they share and can provide an insight and voice of reason no one else can offer for the simple fact that no one else is going through what we are going through, that is unless he’s knocked up another girl and just hasn’t told us yet. Which is entirely possible.

Thank you, Ms. Mommy, for helping me find a light in this dark tunnel. I hope I can help you as much as you have helped me already.

Readers, you may be wondering if we will let our children be involved with one another. As it stands, this is something entirely too complicated for them to comprehend and may only result in their confusion. Instead, we’ll play it by ear and when the time is right we will let them meet and explain the situation to them.

Thank you, all, for your love and support.

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