Mom’s Got Jokes


First off, I would like to share with everyone that I got peed on today for the first time in my life. Thanks Baby O! I’m usually pretty careful when changing diaper’s for just that reason! I do NOT want to be peed on!! Of course, it was that one time I was not vigilant and just not thinking about it at all when it happened. I looked away to grab a wipe when I feel this wet sensation on my big, round belly and sprinkling on my hand and I hear Broken Condoms laughing saying, “Welcome!” I have officially accomplished stage one of the initiation into motherhood. Be prepared, fellow mommies-to-be. I have witnessed many things (a number of which all occurred today: a bath in lentils at dinner, a kitchen fully covered in rice from top to bottom, and more) but I normally view all of these through a window, a pee, rice, and lentil-free window. Yet, here we are, being fully prepared for motherhood. It’s almost as though Baby O said, “So you want to be a mom, do ya? Let’s see how much you really like me, shall we? Hey, stuffed penguin, check this shit out.” He planned the whole thing, I’m convinced of it! He may not be able to speak in a way we can understand him yet but he is a diabolical little thing, cute as a button but diabolical. We’ll see who gets the last laugh.

I returned home today after my pee-filled adventure and open the fridge to enjoy the last remaining glass of delicious eggnog I safely stored in the back of the shelf. When I opened the door I saw it was gone! But, WAIT, there is a whole new jug! I begin to make my way to grab it and make a serious dent in it. My hand is clenched around the center of the half gallon jug when “Southern Comfort” across the top catches my eyes. NNNOOOOOOOOO! Damn yyyoooouuuuu! All Christmasy hopes are shattered at once. There is a pregnant woman in the home with the best holiday beverage in the same occupied space and just to rub in its greatness you get the alcoholic kind. Curses! This must be my punishment for hogging the last jug. I’m sorry, mother. I really tried to save you some, I really did, but baby said no, it’s all his fault. Why must punishing him include punishing me as well? Technically, he is the one that got peed on today so that made me feel a little better. Does that make me a mean mommy?

I must hand it to the two mother’s of the day. I have much to learn from you both. I am taking mental notes.


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