“I’m doing everything I can.” I suppose everything he can is never going to the doctors appointments he had promised to attend, “I’ll go to every single one,” giving away money that was meant for his children’s mouths to someone in need (by someone in need I mean his drug habit,) putting a pregnant woman (make that two) through hell and somehow, amazingly, not causing a miscarriage, playing daddy to a kid he has not fathered, trying to be the “playa,” promising to be at his son’s birth and going on about how his vacation is saved up for when he arrives then two weeks prior to the due date says, “I’m not taking off work, WE need the money.” Isn’t that what vacation time does? I want to scream at him, “VACATION PAYS YOU TO TAKE TIME OFF YOU LYING MORON!” But instead I sit and smile and nod. I’m not going to see any of that money until child support forces it from him. I think I may need an appointment with my therapist after all. Just one more. Although I do not communicate with Mr. Flip-flop beyond what I need I just can’t wrap my head around him. I feel no matter how much I regurgitate my frustration through blog it isn’t enough, I should see my therapist before I slam my head through this wall in my head. He’s doing everything he can??? What exactly is that? What has he’s been doing? What does that mean?
The above was written a few days ago. But the more I wrote, the less I could stand to listen to myself. How will my readers bare it if I can’t bare it myself? These last few days have been rough so I have swallowed my pride and gathered my strength and contacted my therapist requesting an appointment since writing seems to be doing very little recently. But I must find strength within the weakness, if for no one else than for my son.
There is no room to be numb anymore. Not in my new life. This life is no longer about me. Those who have hurt me or broke my heart is now irrelevant. Who lied about what no longer matters. Father’s who are not up to par and lost lovers are to be a thing of the past. I must remember to put my son first and foremost above all others, I have myself to rely on and my army of friends and always growing family. I do not need anyone else. When I lack the ability to dig through the weakness for my strength I have my soldiers, including our new recruit, Ms. Mommy, along with DC’s own battle buddy, AE.
That, in itself, gives me strength. In times when I cannot comfort my son, when this all hurts the most, he has his sibling to give him strength and love. Two children brought together by unfortunate circumstances and finding the best of friends in each other. We will all overcome this and we will allow this to make us stronger. Meanwhile, when we find ourselves between the rock and hard place, we all have each other for support and encouragement.
Our own, unique family, different but in no way broken or dysfunctional.