I have come to realize that throughout my pregnancy I was unable to enjoy it to the fullest extent than I probably should have for a number of reasons. One of those being that it was unplanned. It’s more difficult to enjoy the beauty of pregnancy when, initially, you have no intentions of having children. Two, pregnancy in itself is already a lonely feeling, then add to it the fact that you’re single in addition to the father of the child telling you, “you have no business being pregnant with my child,” after you tell him you won’t marry him or move in with him after only a month of…not even dating, but just partying.
However, I still catch myself actually missing my pregnancy. Throughout the majority of it I was miserable, now here I am, sad to no longer be pregnant. I miss the cravings and the kicks and getting away with everything cause “I’m pregnant!” and by everything, I mean eating whatever I damn well please. Sometimes I wonder if my little guy is too big for me to just shove back into my belly through my c-section incision. It hasn’t fully healed yet, I can still yank it open. Only a few pieces of tape currently hold it closed.
Don’t get me wrong, now, I love having my son in my arms at last. But, I’m afraid of him growing up. I am fully aware that he won’t stay this little forever. I am also aware that as he ages, the more difficult it will be to protect him from the world around us. Unfortunately, I can’t keep him in my loving, protective arms forever or place him in a bubble. He didn’t want to leave the bubble that harvested him so maybe he wouldn’t mind a bubble, after all.
I also enjoyed not having to share him while he was growing in my womb, namely, Mr. Flip-flop. Not that there’s much sharing being done with him at all. But until certain wrinkles are ironed out, I must do what I can to allow him the opportunity to step up.
I try to be a selfless mommy but I find that harder and harder to accomplish as he grows bigger in the passing days.
STAY LITTLE FOREVER, SON! Or you’re grounded!