The Finale to Pregnancy for New Moms: Labor

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After enjoying 9 to 10ish months of your little one sucking the life out of you, soon to be new mommy, is giving birth to that little thing you suspected to be a tapeworm in month one and two. Don’t say you didn’t think you may have had a tapeworm instead of a baby, you googled it and instead found my cousin’s blog. And chances are, if you’re reading this, you weren’t lucky enough to only have a tapeworm.

Now, we come to another part of pregnancy no one talks about or I should say, labor. Sure, people tell you it hurts….they’re wrong. It is the WORST pain EVER! How I managed to greet all my doctors and nurses with a giant smile, even in the thick of it, I can never explain or ever repeat again in my life. The doctor who delivered my baby express his surprise at my demeanor through the whole thing, said he never had another patient who was as calm and collected as I was or smiled as much as I did. Fear not, new mommys, there are plenty of pain killers (a better name would be pain dullers,) and of course the epidural to help throughout this agonizing process. They all but push morphine on me along with fentanyl and several other anesthesia’s and so on. (I eventually became too high to keep up with everything they were giving me. None of which were harmful to the baby, duh.) You will NEVER experience pain like you will in child birth. EVER.

Luckily with a downside there is also an upside on that one. Maybe the next couple also depending on how you look at it.

it is entirely possible you will be asked to position yourself in some humiliating positions…with witnesses. It is true that after so long, you wont care who sees what. For example, I was not anticipating a male doctor but after spending 46 uncomfortable hours on my back, occasionally flipping to this side or that and 20 minutes on all fours (trust me, it sounds sexier than it is) I found myself venting to the same cousin you will find if you google tapeworms or pregnant that this guy had more entertaining parts to rip off if he didn’t get the baby out of me than a female doctor would. So, ladies, prepare yourselves, you will be showing off your goods, to EVERYONE. Over the course of my six day stay in the hospital, my mother saw parts of me she hadn’t seen since she was giving birth to me. This would have been a plus to cancel out the negative had my doc been sexy and single, but he was neither. Frowny face.

You may also lose control of your bladder at any given moment and think it’s your water breaking if it did not break before you arrived. Especially if it happens when you JUST went pee and are certain your bladder was empty. Thank your bundle of joy for that.

It is also possible that you’ll lose control of your bowels. I can’t say whether I did or not. If I did, it was when I was in the OR and everything from the boobs down was numb, so, I can’t tell you what my body did aside from the parts I could feel shivered uncontrollably as a side effect of the epidural and did not stop until after it wore off and I puked the rest of the medicine up with bile in Recovery.

And perhaps the most heartbreaking part of delivery, if you have to get a C-section, you will not be permitted to hold your child immediately after birth. You’ll be on too many drugs to be trusted not to drop him or her plus your lying flat on your back being stitched or stapled back closed. Oh, do not cry uncontrollably when you first hear the baby cry once delivered. They can’t close you up if you’re acting hysterically and there is a chance it will mess with you blood pressure, which doctors and nurses don’t like very much.

I almost forgot, when you get the epidural you also get a catheter for a day or so. But (I cannot say for certain for natural birth) for a short time after delivery you are still given morphine along with a range of other drugs to ease your pain. If you have a problem with blood pressure your nurses will yell at you if you don’t give yourself the self administered morphine and will begin to push the button for you.

Good luck and congrats!

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