What can I say about today? Hmm. Well it sure has been eventful. VERY eventful.
First off let’s take a moment to remember whoever it was that flipped their car on I-95 and turned a 20 minute drive into an hour and half drive. They jacked up EVERYTHING. They crashed in just the right spot that it also screwed up any detours. Oh, right, moment of silence……
Second I would like to congratulate a very close family friend for having their precious baby boy this afternoon. I wanted so badly to cut school and hold that baby boy all day long.
In other news, my son is running a fever… again this week. Yesterday it was 100.2 then it broke, sent him to school and he comes home with 100.8. I called his doctor yesterday who told me not to worry, he’s fine. Unless it gets up to 101. Right, he’s fine. Sure. He’s always fussy and indecisive and dependent on physical contact. NOT! How do I fix my baby? He refuses (passionately refuses!) to sleep without me when he’s sick. I’ve been giving him medicine but I can’t help but feel like it does absolutely nothing for him.
Ugh I’m so exhausted. Eh, I don’t know if exhausted is right. Strung out? Spread thin? On the verge of breaking down and crying everywhere, over everything? I’m at my wits end sometimes. I keep wondering what I am going to do if his temperature does go up and he needs to go to the doctor tomorrow. I’m not really in a position to just be able to miss school. These classes are getting more intense and more demanding and while I don’t want it to seem like I’m putting school before my son I’m also well aware that our future is hinged upon my success. I don’t have time to fail. Failing is not an option at this point. So how serious is serious enough to miss school? I’m so torn and feel like a horrible person no matter what I choose.
This is one of those moments where having his father involved would help so much. Cause no one else can take him to the doctor except me (although technically his father can’t either cause he didn’t want to be put on the birth certificate.) Someone else could take him to the doctor but it wouldn’t do any good. I am the only person that can sign important documents for anything to be done. So for the first time in DC’s life, I’m wishing Mr. FF played an active role. So my son could be taken to the doctor if he gets worse and I can still attend class.
This almost became my breaking point. After everything else today, I almost couldn’t take it anymore. As a single mother I am shoved, tugged, pushed, pulled, and torn in thousands of different directions and too many places needing my presence at the same time. It’s overwhelming when you have a chance to really think about it and realize, “damn, that’s one direction I can’t seem to go.” And then you’re forced to choose when you wish and pray and hope that SOME HOW you can go to the doctor AND go to school.
But what is it that bothers me most? The fact that I can’t do both or that for the first time ever, *sigh*…I need DC’s father. God, that even tastes nasty in my mouth. Ugh! The only thing that’s kept me from crying today is the fact that my son has been watching my every move and I want my son to learn like I have, if you don’t have a good reason to cry then don’t. And to me none of those are good enough reasons.