This morning I went about my usual routine. Woke up at the crack of dawn, realized my son was running a fever (from shots he got yesterday), took the day off, then finally as I sat rocking him into a fitful sleep, I checked my Facebook and saw the above picture in my news feed.
I don’t know if it’s true or not and is somewhat besides the point. Ever since I got pregnanct, a part of me knew Mr. FF’s involvement in DC’s life would be minimal at best. I always worried about how that would effect me. How would I answer my son’s questions he’ll inevitably have? How will I handle his questions and will I answer them to the best of my ability. I never really took the time to think how it would realistically impact DC or how, for the rest of his life, his father’s choice will mold DC’s life and decisions. And I can’t help but feel that moment will come sooner rather than later with daycare and my mother insisting on teaching him how to say, “dada.”
I always tell DC, “your father loves you so much. Just like mommy. He just doesn’t know how to show it.” But who am I really protecting here? I always told myself that this was one subject I couldn’t sugar coat for my son. That, he, more than anyone else deserves the truth. I grew up living with lies masquerading as the truth and lived an ignorant life because of it, taught to overlook the obvious. I will not do that to my son. I will not tell him these words I am not completely sure of myself (not to say I’m going to tell him his father doesn’t love him. I know that isn’t true.) But I cannot allow him to hold on to words that are not FF’s own and let it tear down his self-worth. I cannot and will not let him feel like it’s his fault his father left. Because it absolutely is not!
DC needs to know he’s not missing out, his father is, that his father missed everything. He needs to know his father was given each and every opportunity possible to be involved and help support us. That he even acknowledged that he, “needs to be around to support the mother of my child and my son. And I’ll be there.” But more than anything he needs to know and understand that he never did anything for his father not to be around. That there is absolutely nothing wrong with him, that he is in fact the most perfect thing on this Earth. I don’t ever want my son to feel less than because of an ignorant, self absorbed, piece of shit.