Category Archives: Open Letter

One Year Open Letter 2

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One Year Open Letter 2

DC,

Your “official” open letter was written in the weeks leading up to your birthday. I was unable to actually sit down and write it all at once. This is the biggest bitter sweet moment I have had to experience in my life, yet.

As I write this, now, you are asleep in my arms. It has been a long time since you have fallen asleep in my arms and just as I was able to stand up and place you in your crib, I realized I shouldn’t be so hasty. This may be my last chance to hold you as you doze and I never want to let go.

As your head lay on my should and wistful dreams fill your head, all I can think of is when I held you at the hospital one year ago.

Me holding you for the last half hour may possibly set you back in your ability to put yourself to sleep but I can’t bring myself to let go. Time is slipping through my finger like water in my bare hands. I want to remember this moment forever.

Love,
Mommy

A Whole Year Old

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Oh baby, baby
My beautiful child
My little toddler!
Who is no longer a baby!

Today, you are a year old. Exactly one year ago today at 5:15PM you were born. At roughly 7PM I threw up in recovery and immediately began asking my nurse over and over where you were and when I would get to see you and hold you. I held you in my arms for the first time one year ago. You were tiny enough, I could cradle you in one arm and you fed from my body for the first time, this day one year ago.

Today, you are walking, running even! You speak in your own little toddler language (that I somehow understand even though none of it are real words, in fact they’re mostly grunts), you sleep by yourself in your own room and can even put yourself to sleep. I’m just lucky you still need your boo-boo’s kissed.

Where has the time gone? I miss your little-ness. But at the same time I am loving this chance to watch you grow. I have been told time and time again how bitter sweet this moment would be, and how quickly it would come, but you never really know until it arrives. And they weren’t kidding. This moment is the epitome of bitter sweet.

I hardly know what to say in this letter without it starting the water works.

I want you to know, first and foremost, how much I love you. It is more than universe itself. Nothing can compare to the love I hold for you. I will always do everything within my power to make sure I am always there for you. ALWAYS! However, there may be moments when I can’t. Remember, it is just you and me against the world, so I may not be able to make it to EVERYTHING but I will try my hardest. Know this, if I cannot be there, it hurts me more than you’ll ever imagine.

I held you in my body for 9 months. But I hold you in my heart for all of eternity. Even when I seem like such a mean mommy, I do it out of love. I have to do it otherwise it may hurt you, it may lead you down a misleading path, or it just may not be healthy. I will do whatever I need to do, as long as it means you are safe, secure, and (maybe not right that second but will eventually lead to you being) happy. In that order. You will hate at times, and during those times it will kill me, but you’ll be safe and sound, just as you should be.

I want to be your friend but first, above everything and anything else, I must be your parent.

I hope and pray that you continue your journey through life being the fighter you are. Be happy and outgoing and everything good that you are and more.

Happy first birthday, sweetie. I love you!

Mom

ELEVEN Month Open Letter

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Holy cow, son! Can we slow this year down a bit? Please!? I want to hold on to this time with you a bit longer. I feel like, while I have thoroughly enjoyed EVERY SINGLE SECOND, I don’t think I cherished it enough. One of the biggest things I have learned in the last 11 months with you is how to slow down. In recent weeks it may not seem so, having started a second job while still in school but I have. I learned not to stress out so much over stuff that is important but not more important than you. You taught me how to take a step back when things get too crazy and just watch YOU. Watch your growth, your learning and your yearning.

I have stopped everything in my world to just sit with you and make you laugh, sooth your tears, care for fevers, and just watch you learn about the world around you. Everything in your world is so carefree right now and I do everything in my power to keep it that way. I try to keep the stress of my work and school away from you and keep you innocent. When I’m with you I just want to be with you. I don’t think about school and how I have a paper due in an hour. They can wait because this, THIS, doesn’t last forever. When you were first born, it felt like forever, but at some point when I turned my head to make sure you wouldn’t fall (and you did anyways) God snatched some of it out of my hands. It’s like trying to hold water in nothing but your bare hands. No matter what you do, it just keeps spilling. But I wouldn’t trade a single second of it.

The age you are at now, most parents have already taught their children to put themselves to sleep, but I’m behind on this. This is for several different reasons.

1. I am not home at night enough to enforce this daily and make it a routine. It would not be fair to you to expect this of you the two or three nights I am home to put you to bed.

2. We still currently live with your grandparents who wake up early for work and have no problems swooping in to “save” you derailing everything we work on.

And 3. Probably the biggest reason of all…I’m only with you a handful of times in the week at bedtime. I cherish holding you at night while you still can fit (barely) in my arms. Before long, you won’t need me to sit with you and rock you to sleep, you won’t want me snuggle with you and tell you how much I love you. So, yes, I spoil you. But we both need it right now.

As each month goes by, writing these letters gets more difficult. You’re growing so fast, I can hardly keep up. I’m already planning your very first birthday and half of it is ways to keep me from crying hysterically. I love you so much. You’re going to do great things.

Love,
Mommy

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Just shy of a month old


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Almost a year old!

10 Month Open Letter

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I am quite late in getting this written for you, son, and I am sorry for that. We have been crazy busy. But better late than never.

Where has our time gone? In two months time you will no longer be my baby, but my toddler. I have told you so many times about the day you were born and I still remember it crystal clear. Just the other day, as I stroked your little cheek with my finger, I was reminded of our first night together; how soundly you slept, but how fitfully I did. I woke up every 10 minutes with my hand in your bassinet because I was no long stroking your sweet, chubby cheek. Making sure you were still there, that you were real, and that it had not, in fact, all been a dream.

You are an amazing little boy and an early walker. Everywhere we go, people stop and stare and talk to us because of how adorable you are and “oh my goodness! He’s ten months and walking?!” You are going to accomplish great things in life. You are already RUNNING! I wasn’t expecting that to happen the very second you started walking but it did. I love watching your face when you walk a great distance on your own. You keep your arms outstretched in front of you and you giggle endlessly as you walk.

Today as we got you ready for school, I helped you wash your hands and when I took you to the towel to dry your hands I said the same thing I always do, “time to pat, pat, pat. Pat your hands dry. Pat, pat, pat.” I swear, today, you said “pat, pat.”

I plan to give you all your letters when you are old enough to appreciate them. Each letter I write, I try to imagine what you’ll look like, what sort of man you’ll be, and how tall you’ll be by the time these reach you. You’re already so tall. You can reach stuff from the dining room table now and I have no idea when that happened! Your father is just over 6 feet tall himself so I imagine you’ll be just as tall. Now though, you still have to look up to everyone but before you know it, you’ll have to look down to everyone. (You’ll find that everyone on your grandmother’s side of the family is very short.)

I love every second of watching you grow. I love every smile that lights up your face. I want you to know that even if I miss a few things, it is not at all because I don’t want to be there. I miss them because I am doing everything I can to be both parents and still give you the best you deserve.

This letter is written 5 days late of your 10 month birthday because I have been trying to pick up a second job, which I have. 5 days ago I had an interview and less than an hour after leaving it they called me and offered me the position. This is an incredible opportunity for our little family. I have never made this much money before and I can’t wait to start it. But I will officially be working two jobs while finishing my associates degree so we’ll have some tiring days ahead of us.

As much as I love your grandparents, though, I tired of living with them. We need own own space and you need your own room and closet. Mommy REALLY wants her own closet space again, plus I need more places to hide your birthday and Christmas gifts. This job will not only help us get our own house but it will, hopefully, help me pay for your third birthday. I have already started saving for a trip to Disney World and my goal is that we can stay at one of their resort hotels for a weekend. I know that at this point you’re too young to care or even know what Disney World is but I really want to go back too. Plus I think you’ll really love it, especially with some secrets of Disney I have been looking up. Like one, if we see any of the toys from Toy Story I’m going to tell you to shout, “ANDY’S COMING!” and they are suppose to do something pretty cool. We’ll spend the whole weekend in Magic Kingdom so you can see every part of the park.

I have so much fun planned for you. I think my favorite is going to be your summer vacations. I used to work at a day care so I know some pretty cool stuff and places. Your older self may now be rolling your eyes and/or reminiscing on those old memories, but whatever you’re doing, I want you to know that I want you to have the coolest childhood.

My favorite thing about your growing up is that you’re learning independence. You now play in your room while I cook dinner, which you loved the chicken hot pockets I made! But managed to find sand and pour it all over the kitchen floor. How did you do that?? You hadn’t even been outside yet and somehow there was enough sand on the floor to make it a beach. You’ve never even been to the beach yet! I couldn’t help but laugh and you had your “I did good?” look on your face. Just know, you’ll only get away with that once! ONCE! FYI no matter how upset I may seem, chances are I’m laughing on the inside again.

I have to close this letter much like I’ve closed many others to you by telling you about your father. Again, by the time you read this, I don’t know what will have happened, if you’ll have met him, if you’ll even have a chance to know him, if you’ll care at all about hearing of him but you have the birth right to know.

As it stands now as you are 10 months and 5 days old, he hasn’t seen you since you were 3 weeks old, not in person anyways. Part of that could be put on me because when you were 4 weeks old he did ask to see you. But you have to understand that we had an agreement, 24 hours notice at minimum for visitation. It’s only polite. It is polite to give anyone you want to visit AT LEAST 24 hours notice to give them time to plan, tidy their house, and so on. The only reason he did not see you that week was because he was giving me only 4 hours notice. It was against what we BOTH agreed upon the week before you were born. I am sorry for that and if that upsets you, please come to me. He did ask one other time after that to come see you, I want to say you were about 3 or 4 months old and I told him he would have to start helping me provide for you by either sending you clothes, bottles, diapers, wipes, and/or money for your savings. You see, I was afraid that having a person come in and out of your life randomly would do more harm than good, I still feel that way. That is why I do not date, I am not going to bring someone in your life that isn’t going to stay. I believe (and I have told him this) a child is a responsibility and a priority, not a convenience. I gave him those requirements, also, to know his level of commitment to be a part of your life. It hurts me too say this, but, he never responded back after that. I did not hear from him again until this last month when he asked how you were doing. You know that I am not one of those parents that will use a child as a weapon against the other parent or try to fill your head with lies about them. I simply want you to know the truth. I will never lie to you when it comes to something like this. (I may about Santa or the tooth fairy and such unless you still believe then yes they are very real and I have been dubbed their honorary helper! If you still believe, clap!) I will say that he may be changing. I said, MAY BE. Please don’t give your hope up too high. When we last spoke he said he would turn himself into child support, once he is legally made to pay they will also grant him visitation. We will see though.

I am really sorry for whatever way he makes you feel. I know it isn’t fair and it sucks. I’m trying everything I can to be enough for you but I know it isn’t the same not having a dad. I love you so much! I tried to give him every opportunity to be apart of your life from day one but there is just something in his life right now keeping him from being able to make that commitment. And I am sorry. The only thing I am not sorry for is that he gave me you. That is the only good he has done for me. HE GAVE ME YOU!

My life was in a very dark place before I had you and I was so scared when I discovered I was pregnant. But as scary as it was, I wouldn’t change it for anything. I’d die for you. You saved my life the second you came into being. God does everything for a reason. I may not have been prepared for you but he knew I needed you and you have turned out to be the most amazing person I have every seen in my life. You have lit a fire in me and I thought I was determined before I had you…boy, was I wrong. That determination has become something more fierce and more unwavering than I’ve ever known. You have helped me accomplish more than I ever knew was possible.

You are my strength and my light. I was always be there to lift you up and pick you up. As I always tell you everyday, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll never leave you! I love you so much!

Love,
Mommy
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9 Month Open Letter

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Baby boy,

It just as I was saying not that long ago; in the blink of an eye you would be 9 months old and sure enough, I blinked.

You amaze me and you are so much more than I could have ever hoped or imagined. You say “momma”, now, and “Ada” and “Nona.” You are learning “no” but more than saying it you enjoy shaking your head “no.” I think it’s more of a game for you than actually saying no to something. You’re starting to cover your ears when…I don’t know actually. You just like covering your ears. I think it’s because you see your cousin O do it and you think it’s cool or something. Not that you actually know what cool is.

Although you are so young I can already see things in you that resemble your father. You love the drums. While most babies tap on things anyways, you have rhythm. And the music app on my tablet is always switched to the drums, by you. I think I may have to rethink piano lessons and get you drums instead. Your father used to play drums and before you were born he already had it set in his mind that you would play as well. He wasn’t bad at it either if my memory serves me correctly.

You also have a few facial expressions that resemble his. It’s usually when you’re caught doing something you shouldn’t be doing.

There is one thing I had wished you didn’t get from your father and myself and that is our temper. Ooh boy, do you have one and you are not afraid to express it. Hopefully, over the next few years I can help you learn enough self-control and self-respect to be able to curb that behavior and learn when it is appropriate to display it and when it is not.

If there is anything I want to teach you, it is that kindness and goodness will get you much further in this life than a bad attitude will. There is a saying, “nice guys always finish last.” I don’t buy that for one minute and I don’t want you to either. Nice guys (and gals) just have higher standards. You can’t grab the first thing handed to you if it isn’t up to par. Be grateful though, that is most important. Gratitude. Always be thankful for what you have and what is given! If you feel like your goodness is taken advantage of (which you will at times) just remember that God sees your effort and sees your heart and good things will happen. Everything always comes back in full circle.

As you already know, you have an older brother. He is ALMOST exactly one year older than you. If you were born 19 days later yall would be one year apart. If you had your way you probably would have stayed those extra days but your mommy was not having it. Your aunt said, the day before you were born, that I may have met my match. But I disgress, you will get the chance to meet your brother. We have been invited to his birthday. I am so excited for you and for him. I want you to know him and to know you are related by one of the closest bonds you can be given. Cherish your siblings and love them. No matter what, you’re family. Don’t ever forget that!

I have recently been made aware that in roughly 8 months time you will be an older brother, yourself. Not by me! Oh my goodness no! I am not ready for that adventure again just yet. But by your father. Learn from him, my son, and know that having children is the greatest gift from God. As I stated earlier, be grateful for it when that gift is bestowed upon you and step up to your responsibilities and hold yourself accountable.

I have not yet spoken to this young lady who is carrying your baby brother or sister. I do not know if she and your father are still together, if he is involved with her pregnancy or how long he will stick around for this child. But I need you to do something for me. No matter what road your father chooses, you cannot hold resentment towards your siblings. You cannot be jealous of them. It may be difficult to do that, but you must try. It is not your sibling’s fault for your father’s actions and behavior so do not blame them. Be there for them, both of them, and know that you are loved so much. Just as they are. Do not be mad at your father either, instead we should pity him. Look at how much he missed out. Don’t say that out of anger but out of sadness for him. He is still just a lost boy trying to find himself. Love your father for helping me create you. Without him you wouldn’t be here. And always know, if there is one thing I am certain of, it is that he carries love for you. I remember the look on his face when he found out I was pregnant, when he found out you were a boy, and when he held you for the first time. That look was love. I am just sorry that he doesn’t know how to express it to you.

You are strong. You are amazing. You are the best. Remember to turn to God in times of need and any other time. You always have me. I am right here, I am not going anywhere. I promise you that. And let us pray for your father that he finds his way.

And one last thing, know that life is full of enough hurt so because of that we should not carry it with us or else we forget to cherish the good.

I love you more than life itself,

Mom

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So full of love

To My Beautiful Son

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DC,

You seem to be growing at an alarmingly fast rate. I’m not quite sure how I’ve managed to keep up with you but so far I have.

You are not quite 9 months old yet but in the blink of an eye, you will be. And when I blink again you’ll be 9 years old. I spend a lot of my free time wondering what our future might hold, what sort of boy and eventually man you grow to be. I also have spent some time concerned that I may not be enough for you.

I know you may not know anything different from the life you know but I worry you’ll feel like something is missing from your life once you realize that your father isn’t involved in the way that he should be. But that is why I feel so strongly about our religion. God has always been there for me and everyone else I know in ways that simple humans cannot be. Mostly, though, I want you to know that you are not fatherless. You have the greatest father of all. God.

I wish I could say our life will be prefectly filled with blue skies and rainbows but it won’t be. That’s just life. We’ll have the occasional rainy day and maybe even some thunderstorms. But one thing that will never fade and never leave you is the love and guidance of our heavenly father.

There is so much that excites me but also scares me so much about our upcoming journey. But I know with faith we’ll come out of it ok. I don’t want you to ever fear as I do or to worry as I do. I want your relationship with God to be so much stronger than my own. Keep your faith in him and if you ever find yourself alone know that you aren’t. I’ll always be in your heart right next to God’s love.

I love you with my everything
Mommy

8 Month Open Letter

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Dear Bunky,

I had a beautifully written letter for your 8 month birthday…then I forgot to save it. Go mommy and her easily erasable mind. That has been your cousin’s and my favorite topic of discussion lately. How children so easily make us forget. After I had you and spent many sleepless nights trying to get you to sleep, I forgot that I vowed to never have kids again. I also forgot the many times I made the same vow WHILE I was still pregnant with you and always so uncomfortable. But, over time, you have shown me that, even through all the scary, the sad, the confusing, the lack of sleep, this is still the most amazing thing anyone could ever do with their life. And if God were to one day bless me with another child, I would be ecstatic.

But on the other hand, I wonder, if I were to have more kids, how on earth would they ever measure up to you? You are so well behaved and the happiest baby I have ever seen. When we go out, you are so content and allow mommy to do whatever she needs. Also, considering the fact that you have been in discomfort for the last three months from ear infections, you are still incredibly happy and playful as ever. Not to mention, your first SIX teeth have all popped in within a month and a half of each other.

You are a, “go big or go home!” kinda baby. You are more than I could have ever hoped for. You are my love, my heart, my everything. Even though you weren’t planned, you are still the best thing to have ever happened to me.

I love you is an understatement.

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*suppose to be a video here of these two boys dancing in the crib but again, technical difficulties with uploading a video.

Belated 7 Month Open Letter

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Dear son,

Look at how you’ve grown! How quickly and how big you are getting! I miss cradling you in my arms and now I fight to keep you from jumping from them. I can’t help but feel that before long I’ll be wrestling you for those hugs.

You now stand 2 and a quarter feet tall and have just had your SECOND tooth break through. And let me say, I just cannot wait until the whole teething thing is done and over with.

You wave now, but only on your terms which are at completely random moments. You have learned how to clap your hands and how to dance. You are more than ready to balance on your own but haven’t quite nailed it yet but you gain more confidence each and everyday. Why, just a few days ago you stood on your own for a whole 3 seconds. You may think, “pfft, that’s nothing.” But when you’re learning as many new things at once as you are and for the first time, it’s kind of a big deal.

You have learned how to shake your head “no.” I thought I had a while before this moment. Like, another 6 months to a year. To my dismay, you’re already telling me no to everything!

“Did you poop!?”
*shakes head no vigorously* (there usually is poop)
“Get your hands off the TV, boy!”
*shakes head no with sly smile*
“Does this dress make mommy look fat?”
*nods head yes*

You are still completely obsessed with the cat. It is the cutest thing. You used to chase after her to pet her (or grab her fur then yank it out.) Now you chase after her just to chase her. That is your favorite game.

You have also learned to give super slobbery kisses. You basically try to eat the person’s chin. In the case of your grandfather, who has a goatee, his nose.

You are an amazing, beautiful, strong being. And I love you so much. You are the best that has ever happened in my life and I wouldn’t trade you for anything at all in this world.

I love you. I can’t wait to see what else you’ll learn.

Mommy

My Little Ray of Sunshine

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My dearest DC,

How is it that six months has passed already? Just yesterday you fit perfectly in the crook of my arm. Now you stand with confidence (and assistence) to my knees.

You have such an incredible drive and I pray everyday you never lose that. Your determination is immeasurable. Your curiosity for the world has inspired me to see the world through your eyes and experience as much of it as possible like new.

I can’t tell you enough how much you’ve changed my life and continue to do so daily. You have made me a much better person than I was and you motivate me to strive for THE BEST! I can’t imagine giving you anything less than the best. My heart aches more than I ever knew it could when I have to be away from you, and lately it has been more often than I care to be. But it is for your well being, to give you the best life I can provide, and that’s the only thing that gets me through those long days I have to go without you. Always know, baby, that there is never a second of my day that goes by that I’m not thinking of you, missing you.

Your latest accomplishments include rolling over from tummy to back, from back to tummy. If the cat is around, she motivates you enough for you to pull yourself up to stand up. (I think nearly all of your motivations has come from your curiosity of the cat.) You now sit up on your own and are a lot less wobbly. You are so close to crawling without dragging your face on the floor (Update: you are now crawling when no one is looking. And by no one I mean me. Way to go, kid!) but, really, you’d rather walk. You’re getting the hang of the whole one step, two step with assistence but you haven’t quite realized yet that in order to do this on your own you must first master the art of balance. But you’ll get it, slick, just keep at it. Never give up, whatever you do in life, don’t ever give up.

Now, I must touch on a subject I don’t care to bring up but it’s your birth right to know. Your father. I’m not sure how you’ll feel about him by the time you receive these letters, if you’ve had the chance to meet him or even the desire, or the opportunity to at least talk to him. I’m not sure how you’ll view the whole situation or how you’ll feel about him not being involved. That scares me. I want you to know that his involvement (or lack thereof) has absolutely nothing to do with you as a person. Don’t ever let anyone (and I mean anyone, I don’t care who they are) make you feel otherwise. His decision to walk away was his own. There is nothing that will make you any less of a person, especially an act that you have absolutely no control over.

You are an amazing person and deserve everything good in this world. Don’t ever think you have to run after someone to keep them in your life. God is leading their path away from you for a reason, if your life is meant to intertwine God will find a way. And you’ll always have me. Forever and ever. Like I tell you when I lay you in your crib, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll never leave you.

I wish I could tell you now the whole story between your father and I but you’re so young, you wouldn’t understand or even remember. Also, given that you’re my son the story in it’s entirety isn’t necessarily appropriate. But you will know what you need to know. I will never lie to you. (Unless it’s for your own good. Like, if you pick your butt, brown eels will eat your fingers off, and stuff like that.) I am also sure that if Mimi is still visiting you (your father’s mother) she will answer any questions about him that I may be unable to answer.

Always remember, everything I have done and will do, I do for you. I do to make your life the best it can be.

Five Month Open Letter

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Five Month Open Letter

My beautiful, amazing bundle of joy that I have been so blessed to call my son

Today marks your five months spent on this earth. You are the smartest baby in the world! But I could be a bit biased. From day one we have been teaching you Spanish. In fact one of the first times I spoke to you after you were born was in Spanish. The only thing is, when we ask you where your toes are in Spanish, you got it! But if asked in English you give us a slightly puzzled look. You also know your hands and that one you know in Spanish and English. Anytime you’re doing an activity and appear to want to get up from it I tell you, “show mommy you’re done by giving her your hands.” And you do it! If you give one hand and I ask for the other you do that too!

You have started eating baby food on the regular and you absolutely love peas. Not so much carrots, it seems, but that isn’t much of a surprise. I don’t care for carrots either. The peas though, that was a surprise.

You have had one night so far that you slept through the night AND in your own room. You scared mommy to death. Give me a heads up next time you plan on sleeping like that again. Thanks! Ever since that night, like clockwork, you now wake up at 1:30AM for your nighttime feeding. I’d like to start weening you off the midnight snacks but you will not go back to sleep unless you’re nursing. You adamantly scream bloody murder until the whole house is awake and glaring at me for allowing their sleep to be so rudely interrupted.

We still do tummy time and you now boot, scoot, n boogey across the floor on your belly although you would rather run everywhere. But before that can happen you have to get the hang of putting one foot in front of the other, oh, and balance. That would help too.

You are trying to say actual words and I’m pretty sure you’ve said momma a couple of times. You’ve definitely said dada several times and today it sounded like you said Nona. But I’m not counting any of them as actual words because (1) we don’t even say dada in this house and (2) I think you’re just practicing enunciating.

Speaking of dada’s, we still haven’t heard from yours. Your Mimi still comes to see you and brings you diapers and toys. I’m sorry that in the last month you haven’t been able to see her but you’ve been sick (Thank your school friends.) and when you were finally better she was sick. This year has been crazy. It was the coldest winter this year and it’s the worst cold/flu season. I think with your birth, you brought the plague. Just kidding! But, really, why does all this happen right after you are born? It’s pretty coincidental to me.

Either way though, I’m so proud of you and everything you do. You are the best little boy in the world and I love you.

To endless months and years with you!