Oh holy heaven and everything in it’s glory, it’s so hard being a mom.
Fun as hell, but hard!
I would say no one tells you that but there is a reason people ask, “are you sure you’re ready for a baby?” And from what I’ve heard and seen, this shit doesn’t get any easier. But it is rewarding.
Along with the joys of the first coo’s and ahh’s, I find myself wondering, “am I making the right decisions for him, is this going to be okay, how will that effect him later?”
Then it hits me.
You just have to roll with the punches and trust those gut retching instincts I’m always going on about. Everything I do is for the benefit of my son and in his best interest. So when his father finally decides that he wants to see my son after two months of no interest or interaction, more than three quarters of his short little life thus far, I have to trust my decision that not letting him have an undependable father is the best choice. The last thing I want for DC, later in life, is to have to explain to him why he is forced to spend time with a man he doesn’t know because he hasn’t been around for X amount of time or why he isn’t coming even though he promised he would. I know that standing firm on my decision is what’s best but it doesn’t make it any easier. Of course I want him to have a father but there is a catch to getting the honor of playing that roll.
-That father doesn’t choose what parts he gets to be involved in.
-He doesn’t get to have that part-time roll just because we aren’t together.
-He doesn’t make promises he’ll never fulfill.
-He won’t make him cry due to his own selfishness.
So when I start to doubt or second guess myself, I don’t have to remind myself that parenting isn’t easy. I have to remind myself that it has been for him. He hasn’t changed a single diaper, he hasn’t been pooped or peed or spit up on. He hasn’t had to spend an entire night awake, not because of partying but because of an inconsolable baby then still wake up at the crack of dawn to go about the daily routine. He wasn’t there to console his child during a fever caused by this, that, or the other. He has gotten to sit back and continue life as though nothing in it changed while sending the occasional, “how’s my son?” message (and that’s all it contains) and finishing the conversation (for lack of a better word) with, “ok.” So when he asks to see MY son after eight weeks of nothing (and I mean that in every sense of the word) yes it’s hard to state the truth. A hurtful and resounding no. But I have to do what’s best for him and not allow my judgment to be clouded by empty promises.
And so new parents and those soon to be, single or otherwise, the choices ahead of us are hard ones with the difficulty gradually increasing. (How I see it each year is like another level in a video game only there are no extra Mario’s to get you through the harder parts.) But no matter what we decide we must stand firm by that decision and support it or support our loved one’s decision and never waver. We can do this, with a bit of perseverance and maybe a glass or two of wine.
P.S. He also didn’t get to experience my son opening his eyes from sleep and falling back to sleep with a smile on his face because he saw his favorite person.