First off, I would like all your beautiful faces to know that I am sacrificing precious video game time for you. YOU, you sexy beast!
I had my usual bi-weekly doctors appointment today telling me everything is fantastic; that my fat, fat baby is doing spectacular. I have grown used to attending these appointments alone. My mom and dad have come with me to a few, however I think it would be awkward having them there when the doc asks my to go bottomless so she can swab my whoo-whoo. (She doesn’t actually use those terms but it would be funny if she did.) So they haven’t been invited to many. ALW, the father of my baby, has only attended 3 out of 12 appointments before today. Today was my 13th appointment and guess what, he actually showed up. Late as usual, but he showed up.
He’s got me on a mental roller coaster ride. I do my best to keep my eyes fixated on one set spot so the twists, turns, and flips do not get to me but I slip sometimes and get dizzy. Before I go further, I should explain. Our background together is not extensive. We weren’t in love or serious or even “boyfriend/girlfriend.” It was, I guess you can say, convenience more than anything else (so as to not give away info for later blogs). At best, we were friends. Unfortunately, I cannot even say we were best friends or even good friends. More like, party friends.
We discovered I was pregnant and at first he was ecstatic. But I quickly found myself in something far more serious than I was ready to handle on top of an unplanned and very unexpected pregnancy while trying to finish school without losing my full-time status and work part-time at my new job. He had spoken with my father and wanted me to plan a wedding on top of my already very full plate. If I wasn’t willing to marry him he wanted me to live with him at the very least and quit school and work to be his “Suzy Homemaker” in a life I had no desire to live. There may be some women who see this as an opportunity but those who are headstrong and independent like myself, this was spiraling into hell. I had told him many times that because we had only being “dating” for less that a month before I got pregnant I wanted to wait. On everything. If he wanted to try to work things out after the baby came then we would see where we were. I needed as little stress as possible due to the fact that I suffered from severe depression at the beginning of my pregnancy. He appeared to be understanding at first.
My doctor helped me find a therapist who also agreed that in my state, it would be best that I not date anyone but keep myself open to ALW’s obvious attempts to be involve. So I did that. I made it clear that I could not hold a healthy relationship with the frame of mind I held but that I would keep myself open to him. I told him I wanted us to form a stronger friendship, go along the route we should have taken before the baby came along. Then the next day he asks me to be his girlfriend.
This is where I get dizzy. The day before, he was completely understanding and willing to help me. The very next day he shows the exact opposite. Had this been a one time thing I could overlook it and move on, but it wasn’t. For the weeks following if I showed anything more than the cold shoulder he’d say, “you want this, you’re just scared. I can tell you want it you just won’t say it.” I tried desperately to keep him involved in a way we could still be civil. But there is only so much of that I can take. He asked me again to be his girlfriend not too much later, as if I could wake up the next day and not be depressed anymore at the fact I was pregnant and a number of other things. I turned him down a final time, explaining to him, AGAIN, that my only concern for the time being was to get healthy for baby. That being in ANY relationship was very last on my list. I may not have been thrilled to learn I was pregnant but I refused to risk a miscarriage which I already felt I was at high risk for.
Less than a week later he found himself a new girlfriend; playing house to her son while ignoring the one son he already has, who is just shy of a year old now, and the one on the way. To add insult to injury, a month ago he says he wants a DNA test to prove paternity of a child he’s been bragging about from day one,and that he will not go to anymore appointments (not that he’s been to many) and risk becoming attached should it turn out not to be his. Then he shows up today with no warning being as nice as can be asking about the baby and me. He never asked the doctor about the paternity test but made sure to mention that he isn’t paying for the circumcision until he gets one when we were told the fee for the surgery will be due within the month.
With his track record of attending four appointments in eight months, I’ll be lucky to see him again when the baby is born. I’m just tired of his up and downs, twists and turns, and really bad excuses. No, I’m just tired in general.
Come on, guy, be a daddy. You’ve got a guy living thousands of miles away playing the part better and I haven’t seen him in a year.