Tag Archives: hope/less

A Delusionary Love Story Part I

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I’m not very good at putting myself out there and ALLOWING myself to be vulnerable, but we’re going to give it a shot this morning. Let you guys get to know me a little bit. Here it goes:

Have you ever loved another person so much it hurt your bones, even hurt to breathe sometimes? I’m not talking about children today, I’m talking about real I-want-to-marry-you love. I guess if I was on the outside looking in, I would be saying, “That bitch is effing nuts.” But, I guess that’s love? In actuality no one knows our story but us. And maybe I am crazy but he does that to me. I’m crazy in love with him. Am I wasting my time and energy? Maybe. Am I missing out on being with someone who can love me and actually be here for me? Possibly. But I’m in love.

Don’t get the wrong idea now. It isn’t as though I’m out running around trying to find someone who’ll love me. In fact I’m not trying to date right now AT ALL. I have bigger fish to fry, and I’d like to finish frying the one I’ve been cooking for eight months before I fall into anything. I also have a number of others reasons unrelated to Mr. Love but that’s an entirely different story of its own, one that will make me even more vulnerable to you than this one. Baby steps, my friend.
So you may be wondering right now, “Then what the hell ARE you doing if you’re not trying to date?”

Well you see Mr. Love and I have known each other now for almost eight years. We dated already for about five or sixish years? I don’t know, a really long flipping time. We were serious as hell. It was rare to go a day without the other. Then the economy crashed, the company we were working for shut down and he found himself unemployed. He stuck around longer than most people would have, desperately trying to find a job. When his car blew up and caught fire (his first car, paid off, his baby. He loved that thing more than me but I understood. We don’t talk about it. It’s the only thing that brings a tear to his eyes even still, about three years after the event.) it was destroyed! The only thing that wasn’t damaged in the fire were his rear tires. He had gone clear across town for a job interview. When his car blew up, our lives changed forever. He found himself looking at the only option that would surely provide him with the security and stability he needed but had been putting off to keep me happy. He had to join the U.S. Navy. I had a difficult time at first accepting this decision he made without giving me prior knowledge, “I’ve already joined the Navy, you’re either with me or your not.” I was mad at him for a long time for that ultimatum however, looking back now it’s probably the only way he could have broken it to me. I would have done everything possible to talk him out of it.

The first year was a struggle. Struggle may be an understatement. But for a while we pulled through. Until everything felt like it began to crash down around us.

He graduated basic and had outdone himself in PT. He was a superstar. He excelled and still does at his job. I haven’t seen another individual take as much pride in everything they do as Mr. Love does. To this day I am incredibly proud of him. We began talking about getting married, setting possible dates, discussing what kind of ceremony we should have: elope without telling anyone, a catholic wedding, or just show up at the courthouse and then go home for a party with our families. Before long these plans had to be put on hold. He began drinking very heavily, even for a sailor. I wasn’t the best support system either but we were both new at this. Neither one of us was good at being there for the other while so far away, we continued to stumble for a while when things SEEMED to start looking up.

I finally moved out on my own for the first time, had two deaths in the family a month apart from one another, and had a difficult time figuring out what the next step was for Mr. Love and I. So I decided to take a sabbatical, then I discovered an interesting detail that explained all of Mr. Love’s odd behavior and sudden desire to get married NOW, RIGHT NOW (we got into some of the worst arguments because I wanted to wait, I didn’t want it rushed.) He had had an affair with a young woman who had been stationed with him during A-school. Now, many people will think if someone had an affair they would, if anything, be dragging their feet about marriage, not rushing it. There are exceptions though. He realized the mistake he made and up until she outted him, tried to forget it happened and right that wrong in a not so beneficial way. The guilt only made his drinking worse, he never was good at lying or keeping secrets.

Naturally, we lost contact for a few months after I shared a piece of my mind with him. However, call me what you want, we didn’t stay out of contact for long. We never could stay away from one another. Like I said, I loved him. We have a unique love that no one can ever understand. So we talked, he wanted to get back together but having been cheated on multiple times in previous relationships I wasn’t so easy to forgive. So for over a year, we spoke and Skyped everyday. We were stronger than when he had left two years previous. I was falling in love all over again, we made plans for him to come home for a week where he would take me to the most romantic city in the state and take me a restaurant I have wanted to go to my whole life. We were going to recapture what we had lost and rekindle our love. But I was foolish, oh so foolish and so damn proud.

I lost it all, in the blink of an eye. I may have even lost him for good. Saying that it breaks my heart doesn’t come close to describing how much it hurts. The only thing that gets me by is being almost delusional about us. Keep optimistic in that we WILL work things out, we WILL be back together and be happier than we’ve ever been.

How did I lose my way and lose it all when everything was going so perfectly? How does a years worth of work get thrown away in a matter of one single night? I’ll tell you how. You trust the wrong people and call them “friend” where they really never did anything to deserve that title. Be careful who you let into your circle, even the friendliest people have dark sides and always have their own ulterior motives. Some are just more patient than others.

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