Tag Archives: Third Trimester

Here’s Mommy!


I’M BACK! For now anyways. I found myself in class with a few minutes to spare before everyone starts giving informative presentations. I’ve practiced mine and I’m right on the edge of going over on my time. Last presentation I went over by about a minute to a minute and a half. I’m just a little girl with too much to say. My biggest disadvantage, I have a five pound (weight is a guesstimate, I’m convinced he’s heavier) baby crushing my lungs, therefore I’m gasping desperately for breath after every two words. (Yes pregnant mommies, you have this to look forward to when you hit your third trimester. Good luck.)

Now, to all those women who are pregnant for the first time, I believe I am now far enough along to prepare you for a few things to come when you hit the last three months of your pregnancy. Most likely, your belly is too round for you to do anything with it except bumping into stuff. This hurts! Often times you forget your steering a boat so it also hurts your ego. Go ahead, you can cry. I did, many times. We’re allowed to, dammit, we’re pregnant. That is a plus, you can blame everything on being pregnant. Bitchiness, exhaustion, hunger, etc. With a big belly, you will not get comfortable enough to sleep EVER AGAIN. Mostly you’ll find yourself finally falling asleep from pure exhaustion, comfortable or not. Hope you enjoyed your sleep and comfort in the second trimester!

Be prepared for constantly knocking stuff over and dropping your keys. I have resorted to leaving them all on the floor. It’s a fight to get down there anyways and it will end up there as soon as you touch it so there’s really no point in fighting it. Unless you actually need your keys. Then you’re better off calling your friend that lives 20 miles away to come over and pick it up. It’ll take you that long to get it, might as well have some company while you struggle, right? Oh, and don’t forget the amnesia! Man, that is a bitch….um….what was I saying?

Finish preparing your nursery and, for the love of god, pack your hospital bag. You’re gonna pop any day now! And there are plenty of false alarms, you do NOT want to be packing your bag while your having contractions. Why, just last night I thought I was going to have to rush to the hospital because I thought my water might have broken. I was using the toilet, literally, every five minutes for a half hour. Turned out Baby was just sleeping on my bladder while the “practice contractions” decided to take effect. Oh yea, those get worse too.

Now ladies, I will sacrifice my own pride and embarrassment for you. (You better love me!) Because you need to know and no one else will tell you this because “pregnancy is beautiful.” Yea….that’s what they want you to believe. Nothing gross EVER happens. MORE LIES! It is all a conspiracy to keep us procreating. If everyone knew the nitty gritty then the human population would end as we know it. You will soil yourself one way or another. This is only mentioned once or twice in What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Technical jargon is used so that it sounds more pleasant that it really is. Many of us hear how women pee themselves while pregnant but it is also common to poo yourself too apparently. So, from now on when you cough, sneeze, laugh, or fart just go sit on the toilet to save yourself the embarrassment. Especially those of you who are reading this going, “Ew, you’re gross. How could you not know that you need to go?” Cause now karma is gonna get your ass, pun intended. No one is safe!

Let class begin.


The Daunting Third Trimester: Learn as I Go


Let us take today as a perfect example. The first trimester all over again but with a bigger belly and a severely limited wardrobe. This week’s homework for Principles of Communication is exceptionally difficult for me: show compassion for yourself and others.

How does one show compassion for themselves when they have been practicing for MONTHS to only think about their bun in the oven? I’ll tell ya how; by sleeping an extra hour and if you can’t then just laying there. If you’re running late, stop, take deep breaths, and tell yourself, “I’ll be there when I get there.” The little stuff or that’s what I do anyways.

The “other’s” part is a bit more difficult for me just because I have no patience. I mean NONE! Especially on a day like today when I wake up super-bitch-cranky. But I think I managed to handle this pretty decently. While at work, since I have a cool and understanding boss, I wore my headphones all day while I did my work. I did not risk unnecessary conversations in case I would be misunderstood or I misunderstood them. That would have just pushed me to the point of no return. Also, anyone that messaged me, I warned them by saying, “Hey, I’d like to talk to you but I’m too cranky right now. I will get back to you after my nap.”

I must say that this approach worked pretty decently up until I made the mistake of trying to write this blog before said nap. Of course once I got in the flow of it and began typing away to my little heart’s content, my computer messes up and closes out of the page containing the blog. Then the big ol’ ugly pregger monster came out, “RAWR, ME SMASH! AHHH!” Luckily I stopped myself before the desperate urge to break something took over and immediately relocated to my bed to lay down and sleep and it was the best sleep I had in days! Unfortunately, my mood was not improved by much due to carpal tunnel. Thank you, pregnancy for this malady I must now suffer on a daily basis with no relief.

Please, fellow readers, if there is anyone else suffering from a similar condition, help! What do you do to relieve the pain? Ice/hot packs do little for the pain, most days it feels like tylenol does even less, and exercises my doctor gave me only intensify the flaring pain that now radiates to my elbow. I have noticed days that follow a particularly active day the pain is worse. Finger’s crossed (painfully, but crossed) that my occupational therapy will do some good. Although, any and all suggestions will be very much appreciated.

Soon-to-be and anticipating mothers, consider yourselves warned. Not that making a baby isn’t a glorious and wonderful thing because it is, it’s just alot of work. Not just sleeping and eating. By the way, you lose sleep towards the end of the pregnancy. Hmm, I think I just solved the mystery of my crankiness. Endless nights of falling asleep after 2am.

Now entering mommyhood.