I’M BACK! For now anyways. I found myself in class with a few minutes to spare before everyone starts giving informative presentations. I’ve practiced mine and I’m right on the edge of going over on my time. Last presentation I went over by about a minute to a minute and a half. I’m just a little girl with too much to say. My biggest disadvantage, I have a five pound (weight is a guesstimate, I’m convinced he’s heavier) baby crushing my lungs, therefore I’m gasping desperately for breath after every two words. (Yes pregnant mommies, you have this to look forward to when you hit your third trimester. Good luck.)
Now, to all those women who are pregnant for the first time, I believe I am now far enough along to prepare you for a few things to come when you hit the last three months of your pregnancy. Most likely, your belly is too round for you to do anything with it except bumping into stuff. This hurts! Often times you forget your steering a boat so it also hurts your ego. Go ahead, you can cry. I did, many times. We’re allowed to, dammit, we’re pregnant. That is a plus, you can blame everything on being pregnant. Bitchiness, exhaustion, hunger, etc. With a big belly, you will not get comfortable enough to sleep EVER AGAIN. Mostly you’ll find yourself finally falling asleep from pure exhaustion, comfortable or not. Hope you enjoyed your sleep and comfort in the second trimester!
Be prepared for constantly knocking stuff over and dropping your keys. I have resorted to leaving them all on the floor. It’s a fight to get down there anyways and it will end up there as soon as you touch it so there’s really no point in fighting it. Unless you actually need your keys. Then you’re better off calling your friend that lives 20 miles away to come over and pick it up. It’ll take you that long to get it, might as well have some company while you struggle, right? Oh, and don’t forget the amnesia! Man, that is a bitch….um….what was I saying?
Finish preparing your nursery and, for the love of god, pack your hospital bag. You’re gonna pop any day now! And there are plenty of false alarms, you do NOT want to be packing your bag while your having contractions. Why, just last night I thought I was going to have to rush to the hospital because I thought my water might have broken. I was using the toilet, literally, every five minutes for a half hour. Turned out Baby was just sleeping on my bladder while the “practice contractions” decided to take effect. Oh yea, those get worse too.
Now ladies, I will sacrifice my own pride and embarrassment for you. (You better love me!) Because you need to know and no one else will tell you this because “pregnancy is beautiful.” Yea….that’s what they want you to believe. Nothing gross EVER happens. MORE LIES! It is all a conspiracy to keep us procreating. If everyone knew the nitty gritty then the human population would end as we know it. You will soil yourself one way or another. This is only mentioned once or twice in What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Technical jargon is used so that it sounds more pleasant that it really is. Many of us hear how women pee themselves while pregnant but it is also common to poo yourself too apparently. So, from now on when you cough, sneeze, laugh, or fart just go sit on the toilet to save yourself the embarrassment. Especially those of you who are reading this going, “Ew, you’re gross. How could you not know that you need to go?” Cause now karma is gonna get your ass, pun intended. No one is safe!
Let class begin.