A Whole Year Old

Oh baby, baby
My beautiful child
My little toddler!
Who is no longer a baby!

Today, you are a year old. Exactly one year ago today at 5:15PM you were born. At roughly 7PM I threw up in recovery and immediately began asking my nurse over and over where you were and when I would get to see you and hold you. I held you in my arms for the first time one year ago. You were tiny enough, I could cradle you in one arm and you fed from my body for the first time, this day one year ago.

Today, you are walking, running even! You speak in your own little toddler language (that I somehow understand even though none of it are real words, in fact they’re mostly grunts), you sleep by yourself in your own room and can even put yourself to sleep. I’m just lucky you still need your boo-boo’s kissed.

Where has the time gone? I miss your little-ness. But at the same time I am loving this chance to watch you grow. I have been told time and time again how bitter sweet this moment would be, and how quickly it would come, but you never really know until it arrives. And they weren’t kidding. This moment is the epitome of bitter sweet.

I hardly know what to say in this letter without it starting the water works.

I want you to know, first and foremost, how much I love you. It is more than universe itself. Nothing can compare to the love I hold for you. I will always do everything within my power to make sure I am always there for you. ALWAYS! However, there may be moments when I can’t. Remember, it is just you and me against the world, so I may not be able to make it to EVERYTHING but I will try my hardest. Know this, if I cannot be there, it hurts me more than you’ll ever imagine.

I held you in my body for 9 months. But I hold you in my heart for all of eternity. Even when I seem like such a mean mommy, I do it out of love. I have to do it otherwise it may hurt you, it may lead you down a misleading path, or it just may not be healthy. I will do whatever I need to do, as long as it means you are safe, secure, and (maybe not right that second but will eventually lead to you being) happy. In that order. You will hate at times, and during those times it will kill me, but you’ll be safe and sound, just as you should be.

I want to be your friend but first, above everything and anything else, I must be your parent.

I hope and pray that you continue your journey through life being the fighter you are. Be happy and outgoing and everything good that you are and more.

Happy first birthday, sweetie. I love you!

Mom